Well...it has been well well over a year since I last did any blogging, but on a friend's request, here I am, back in my writer's chair appreciating the snow outside and hoping it holds on for Christmas.
As my blog seems to be snippets of my journey, reflections on life, and as I don't really have a clue where else to begin or what else to write about right now, that is exactly what I'm going to blog about.
I find myself in possibly the most spiritually barren place I've been in in a long time. And yet also somehow (in the weird world of paradoxes and oxymorons that God seems to like putting me in) I find myself in one of the most spiritually rich places I've ever been. "How does that work?" I hear you ask...I have been asking myself the same question. I think all I can say is that the desert is a far richer place than I could have imagined. Words have been a bit of my downfall (hence my blog silence) in that it's easy to write things that seem insightful, wise, even raw and honest, when at the heart of it all they're a mask to cover over what lies beneath, a cunning disguise hoping never to be found out. Enter the desert. The place where disguises become totally meaningless and all you have are you, God, a few other travellers along the way, and a camel if you're lucky (not sure what the camel represents here, by the way, just like the thought of having a camel in the desert. People in deserts always seem to have camels.) Anything familiar and comfortable becomes strangely disturbing, littered with question marks, and the feeling is simply one that is unsettled. In the desert there's not much settling, you move on simply looking for water and food. And in the midst of the searching, you learn about self, survival and a lot of unexpected stuff floats to the surface that you don't really want to deal with. I've heard it called the refiner's fire. I prefer to think of it as the inevitably uncomfortable bit.
It is without a doubt one of the most unsettling experiences I've ever been through, and yet I keep on catching glimpses of myself that I actually like once I wade through the stuff that I really don't. There are questions about who I am, what I do, why I do it...and I suppose these are just basic questions. It's just a case of coming face to face with who I actually am rather than who I wish I was.
In coming face to face with me, though, in that place of honesty that is still too raw to share with anyone, there is suddenly space for God. I'm still not entirely sure how that works, but fortunately I don't have to know, I'm just grateful for it. I've been spiritually starving for so long, LONGING for a richer knowledge of God and His message. I've grown weary of going through the motions, singing the same songs with words that, while they are true and convey a beautiful message, seem to only present a fragment of what my heart longs to know. The invitation for depth is, I believe, an invitation into the desert, wherever and whatever that may be. I'm tired of presenting the all too religious/pharisaical facade and am simply wanting to follow the path of true spirituality...whatever that means. (answers on a postcard please)
So I've kind of meandered along with snippets of my journey, left it in a rather open place...deliberately...and wondering what's coming next.
